And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
