someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
