A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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