This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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