I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
