But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
