Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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