Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
