just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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