I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
