I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
