You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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