I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
