i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
