Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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