If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
