I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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