I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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