Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
