i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My life is pants optional.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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