Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
