You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize