he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
