if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
