I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
