I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
