my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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