I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
