You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
