I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize