clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
