I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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