Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
