eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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