Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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