Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
