my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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