Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
