I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
