Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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