she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
