I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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