The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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