My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
