Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
