Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
