i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
