My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
