Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
