so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
