So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
