ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
