I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize