I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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