My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
