last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
