Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
