When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
