So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
