Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
