Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
