By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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