Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
