I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
