I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
