I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
