you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
